easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
