I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was born a porn star she said
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
