1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
