i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
