my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
