Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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