Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
