well you can't waste a boner
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
