Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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