What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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