birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
