I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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