what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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