all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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