uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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