took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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