she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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