My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
