Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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