Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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