overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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