If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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