im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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