I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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