Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
