That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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