I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
