just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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