how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
