How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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