Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
