saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
