just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
