mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
