meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
