i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
