and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
