I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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