i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.