Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....