i need an iv and a liver transplant
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.