My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
