Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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