I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
