I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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