he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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