i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
