Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
