seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
