I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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