she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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