Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
