My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
