i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
