i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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