I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
