just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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