Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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