Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
