If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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